Interpersonal conflict tends to arise when one person believes the relationship is moving in a direction that is going to cost him/her in some way physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, or socially. It happens when something is said or done that threatens our stability or comfort. Sometimes the perceived threat is legit, while at other times it is simply a perceived threat based on a misunderstanding or an incomplete gathering of information. Either way, there is a fear of rejection that rises up inside of us. Since we are made in the image and likeness of the God who is Love, rejection is our greatest fear. When that fear grips us we do what we always do in times of instability and uncertainty…we reach for something to regain that feeling of stability, to give us a sense of control in our circumstance.

The fight, flight or freeze part of our brain activates and we either attack the thing that threatens our stability, we run away and withdrawal from it, or we pretend like it doesn’t exist and become apathetic. The reason most of us tend to avoid relational conflict is because we don’t like staying in that place of stress and tension. Everything in our flesh either wants to eliminate the threat or fun away from it because we are pursuing our own self-preservation above all else.

We would rather lose the friendship than have to deal with the friend.

If the fear of rejection is what makes us want to either attack or run away from the person that represents that threat, then the only thing that can motivate us to intentionally and purposefully engage in that tension is love. Scripture tells us that, “Perfect love casts out all fear (1 Jn. 4:18).” Love is the only force powerful enough to free us from our fears. This is the very purpose and goal of the Gospel. Jesus didn’t come to live, die, and rise again just so we could go to Heaven when we die. He came to reconcile us back to our relationship with the Father so that we might once again know and walk in His unconditional love for us and be reconciled back to our image-bearing, God-reflecting, purpose so that Heaven might come back to earth. Isn’t that what Jesus taught us to pray? “Your Kingdom come, and Your will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven.”

The whole point of the Gospel is that God reconciles humans back to their image-bearing purpose, so that through humanity He might reconcile creation back to its original purpose as well. This ministry of reconciliation includes relationships between us and others as well. To reflect who God is to others is to reflect the love that pursued you in unconditional and unwavering commitment when you had ultimately offended and rejected Him. In response to that love we are not called to pursue those who have offended and rejected us with that same unconditional and unwavering commitment to love. In doing so, you will see all the idols and deceptive fears that lie dormant in your heart rise to the surface so they can be dealt with by the grace of God and resurrection power of Christ. You never look more like Jesus than in the moment you are willing to sacrificially love the person who poses the greatest threat to your status and comfort.

This is costly work. It will force you to have to acknowledge and deal with all the fears and lies and insecurities you have tried to keep tucked away for years of your life. You will be forced to confront those places in your heart in an all out war. But the victory is already won, it’s already guaranteed through Christ’s love for you demonstrated on the cross and proven by the empty tomb. When you are enslaved by something freedom is alway going to require a fight. The slave master never willingly lets his slaves go free. Satan, death, and fear are no different. We have to be willing to fight the fight of love if we want to be truly free from our oppressors.

C.S. Lewis, in his book, The Four Loves, wrote, “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

Love of enemy, the ministry of reconciliation, stepping into a place that feels like death in order to see the power of resurrection life burst forth, this is the call of the Gospel. This is the kind of people we are called to be as followers of Jesus. It is in moments like this where we see what’s really inside of us, what our top priority in life truly is. When push comes to shove and the fear of tension and conflict rears its ugly head, do we pull away in self-preservation or do we press in with sacrificial love? When we get squeezed, what comes out? If what comes out is something other than the love of Christ then we can be sure there is an idol lying dormant in our hearts that has awoken to ensure we remain enslaved.